“If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you.” That’s what the councillor said today and yes, I agree. But how am I supposed to impose my own terms when Rhys is imposing them for me? I’m trying really hard to put on a brave front and block everything out, but now he’s back it’s never going to go away. Each day I’ll be reliving the memories and it’s draining everything out of me. Every smile. Every laugh. Every emotion.

We had 3 encounters with him today and each time I could practically feel the heat radiating from Rhys’ body. He doesn’t understand that all I want is to block Gilly out completely and I can’t do that if Rhys lets his anger take control of him and causes a scene. The councillor said to ignore him; she made it sound so simple. But when Rhys kicks off and brings up that night; I feel his breath against my neck and his words around my ears – I can’t escape that, no matter how bulletproof I am.

I won’t let him win though, that’s the last thing I’ll do.

This isn’t like me. Jacqui McQueen doesn’t write down her feelings in a poxy book. You see, this is what he’s done to me – Gilly did this to me and there’s no going back. I want to scream, I want Rhys to take me in his arms and let me cry; let me scream until this all goes away. But I push him so far away that I know he’s scared to reach out to me. Everything’s so fragile.

It feels as though I’m wrapped in a blanket of nails. If I stay still and forget what’s happening then things seem ok, but one wrong move and I can’t breathe, every inch of me hurts. Only yesterday things were looking up for me and for my marriage, I actually woke up this morning smiling and when I looked at Rhys my expression was mirrored. I think it was the first time in a couple of months that I’d truly felt like things were going to be alright and the suffocating feeling surrounding me had become almost loose. It may seem like something small, but smiles are so precious now that a celebration drink seemed necessary. 

It's strange how things can change so drastically in a split second and your whole world can come crashing down beside you. I had to double take. I blinked for a split second longer than usual, hoping that my eyes had mislead me but when they opened;

I saw him.

Everything around me became blurred, I felt powerless and trapped. He was staring right at me, tearing me down layer by layer and the shield that had slowly worked its way around me came crumbling down in the space of 5 seconds.